Milo

I submit to the fury that is this phenomena

Thu, 09 Dec 2004 06:29:48 GMT

I was initially going to do the 15 person thingy the way everyone has been doing it. Which i guess is the way i'm going to do it, but not really. Instead of just writing stuff that comes to mind...i'm going to try and say something that i've always wanted to say to this person but just never did, or could. This helps, because in some way i'm negating what anxiety i feel right now with people i have known.

#1. You are my backbone, and i seriously consider you to be my better half. I don't know if i've told you this, but you make me jealous all the time because i see you as the model of what i wish to become when i've finally laid the last of my personal demons to rest. You are the better man, always, but you've never played it up. I love you, and care about you.

#2. I cared about you too much and i feel like that really really hurt what could have been a stronger friendship. I no longer consider anything other than what we have now, but i'm always worried that the past will somehow come up again. I'm sorry for troubling you, confusing you, and being too much a part of your life when what you really needed was for me to step off. I hope someday it can be good times again.

#3. I never told you. But i always considered you to be the female version of Eli. In retrospect that may have been too great a burden as i see us slowly becoming less and less social and relaxed around each other, and i start to feel judged by you more often. It hurts too see this happening, but i'm learning that maybe i should just let go.

#4. You are beautiful. And i've always had a small crush, a geniune one, and one that's come from complete and total respect for who you are and the authority for which you understand yourself and the situation around you. Plus, you're very sweet.

#5. You drive me fucking nuts all the time. Sometimes it's because i enjoy your company, sometimes it's because you piss me off. But what i've realized is i totally dig who you are, whether it makes me angry or not. You are fucking awesome, and i want to be around you more, god it hurts sometimes but you make me feel the most human of all the people i know.

#6. I always had the highest respect for you. You deserve the best, and i hope you get it. It's been amazing to see you do things that go against convention but have always been right for you, and always, in the long run, been unique and amazing. You have always been important to me.

#7. I know you won't read this, but i wanted to say that you've always made me feel like such a good guy, even if i didnt' feel like one. I also feel like you'll always be there, and you're someone i can count upon. I also wanted to say, that you make me feel sooooo comfortable.

#8. I have watched you grow up. Seriously, you were such a little weegie, and you still kinda are. But only on the outside. You are so fucking smart, soooo fucking determined, and you've got a huge heart. I wanted to say that you are the cutest thing, ever.

#9. I'm glad that we both rediscovered each other, as we are so incredibly alike that it's spooky sometimes. I wanted to say that as soon as i took you to see that movie i wanted to hang out with you FOREVAR. haha. i also greatly appreciate the fact that being around you allows me to just chill out about everything. i'm so much more goofy when i am around you, and you make my heart ten times bigger and the weight on my shoulders that much lighter.

#10. Fuck, i feel like i will know you for fucking FOREVER. Even if i drove all the way to china and became a monk, i know i'll see you in twenty years. Most likely you'll have a camera and tons of kids (your own kids that is) following you around. I wanted to say that i'm perfectly happy just being a really good friend, and i mean it. The cost of losing you to anything is too great a cost. You are more valuable to me than i realized, and i am both sad that it took me until now to fully understand this, and happy to understand it fully now.

There are more, but i'll save those for later.

~milo

Takka takka takka ::sound of keyboard::

Tue, 23 Nov 2004 04:00:44 GMT

So here i go, updating again...

Writing today was better than yesterday by a wide margin but by no means was it any less of a task. You just get up, slog down some tea, and write whatever comes to mind.

which for me doesn't account to much.

i've found that my creative subconcious is one of the most bizaare places in the world to be.

and now i cannot type anymore because my hands hurt too much.

congratulations on everyone for getting through monday. monday's suck.

~milo

p.s. on thanksgiving weekends i'm going to be hanging with postma and herman, which should be fun. i haven't hung out wth them both in a long while.

For my Lincoln peeps...

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 21:29:23 GMT

Hey guys, how did the casting go?

~milo

oooh oooh, this popped into my head and struck me as a fine idea. fill in the blank:

"Mornings are _______"

just trying sumpin' new

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 08:30:30 GMT

Dear lj, i had a fun night tonight. How could i have such a good time do you ask?

Well, therein lies a tale....

::wiggle your computer screen and nearly close your eyes. if you do this while making "flashback" music, the effect is strickingly real::

I woke up at a relatively decent hour, to the terse command of "We're going to breakfast. They have food." Mmmmuuughhh, my brain goes. Fooooood.... my stomach goes. As my stomach is the more articulate of the two, it won, and i went to this "Bisquits" cafe on Sandy. They don't call it "Bisquits" for nuttin' i tell ya, and I had the audacity to order the 'Two Bisquits in Gravy With Two Eggs and a Side of Bacon and Hash Browns'.
The title was rather misleading because like all cafe/road-side diners they give you HUGE HELPINGS OF FOOD and expect you to consume the whole artery-clogging mess without the add of either a) a shovel, b) a funnel, or c) Catherine, the stocky gorilla-armed waitress in Nike pumps and a mean shade of 'Aqua Love' mascara.

truth be told i ate as much as i could and then gave up; yeilding defeat to the security of a medium take-out box, and the depressing comfort that now with my manliness shattered i no longer have to worry about fending for myself in this cut-throat world of entertainment and road-side diner food.

Fast forward three bleary-eyed cups of chai tea later (the good stuff), and i'm sitting in my living room with my laptop. Staring in anger at the white screen. The reason for my contempt is a novel i've been trying to write. I just hit the halfway mark (25,000 words) and i was supposed to hit it 5 days ago, what this meant was i have to SUPER-FUCKING GRINDAWAY for most of the day. Which i HATE.

Basically writing in this manner for the first time is akin to the following:
I awake in some hot room in cuba. It's dim 40 watt lightbulb just barely illuminates the cheap stained concrete and crumbling terracotta tile. I'm chained to this heavy machine in the center of the room that i realize is a belt sander. To my right, just in reach is a special latch in the shape of a hand-print, it connects to all the chains and i know that unlocking it means my escape. BUT, the fingers of my hands are too long to fit in the latch. With a growing sense of horror i realize i have to file my own fingers down with the aid of this machine in order to escape. Add alot of procrastination and you've got writing down in a nutshell.

I don't know. I just mentioned this to my mom and she said writing was never like that for HER. maybe i shouldn't try writing with a belt sander.

Anyhoo, i finally reached 25,048 words for today and celebrated by going to see the last showing of "Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie" which was a really good movie. I will admit that the pacing wasn't as good as Shrek (which seemed to whirl by), BUT i liked the jokes, the style of timing, and the ANIMATION a great deal. There were instances of brilliant animation and timing that had me and my bro laughing uncontrollably. My only warning is that there are 3 ample coatings of "sugary kiddy goodness" all over this film and if you can just see that the meat of the movie is INCREDIBLY mature and bizaare than you shouldn't have a problem. it's a smart comedy and one that never takes itself too seriously. ever.

i'm going to buy it when it comes out.

Hanging out with Megan was fun. It was the first time i was just around her without really wanting to hang around her all the time. And what i'm saying is, i loved her company as a friend and nothing more. It was totally strange but easier to do than i realized. haha, she was great fun and i had a good time.

Keith's was also really good, yet i felt awkward around everyone. This is the second time i've felt ridiculously awkward around the younger generations and i'm not really willing to let a third time role by. I think i'm going to take a break with the visits and the hanging around. Don't get me wrong, i love ya guys. But yeah, i'm going to try and focus on other things right now.

Like my NOVEL. Which still isn't WRITTEN, and beats like the telltale heart, deep within the belly of my laptop. Every pulse of it's literary veins mocks me with my inability to write for more than 500 word blocks in a sitting. Curses.

LOVE EVERYBODY, so so much. Take care guys.

~milo

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 22:00:30 GMT

So i'm sitting here again, distracting myself from the actual work i have to do. This usually involves sipping tea, doing research on shit i can't afford (a new wacom tablet and a copy of Painter 7), and updating my LJ :D

I was up till 4:30am last night and thus COMPLETELY crashed into the bed, sleeping a solid block until somwhere around 11:55. It was at that point where i was awoken to my mom yelling up the stairs. She and my brother brought in lunch from burgerking.
It was the first time i ever had a milkshake and a burger for breakfast and something that, although delicious, i don't wish to do ever again. ::insert gurgling tummy noises::

wull, it's back to procrastinating.... or i could just open the document and get to typing. I think i'll do that.

On a side note, it's really amazing to watch people grow up. Apparantly keith is having his birthday rolling along and i just remember a time when alyssa satterwhite, keith, eben, ben, andy and all those yokels were young chillun' fresh off the boat. They were all innocent, naive, and doe-eyed and then WHAM! reality happens. It's nice to see how they've adjusted, and how many of them have begun to grow into good people.

Take care, love everyone.

~milo

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 08:49:13 GMT

Today was a good day.

I Soldiered on with my novel, hunkering down bit by bit in an effort to complete it, even though it's absolute torture. Well, not absolute torture, but it sure is taxing. The benefits, however have been incredibly apparent in my growing imagination and my sudden desire to truly be an artist.

Which is something i'm incredibly happy about. I've put aside the notions that an art career would be a ridiculous pursuit, in wake of discovering those jobs held by storyboard artists, conceptual artists, and the best graphic designers in the world. They have such an incredible input on the creation of things and people, it's fascinating.

After i'm done with this nanowrimo goodness, i'm going to get crackin' on some serious artistic working out. I cannot possibly say how excited i am.

On ANOTHER hand, i'm dealing with a really strange twist in me that i think is going to permament for a bit, and something that is really good. It just pretains to what i really need from people right now, and it's not that much. Right now, i wish to focus on the social aspect of relationships and leave it there for a bit. Who knows? It may change, but for now it'll do me a world of good.

Chilling with people is rather interesting because so many of my good friends are gone, and inbetween those moments where i miss them a great deal, i also try to hang out with those people that are around.
For instance: I saw The Grudge with k'leigh and it was really fun. There was one geniunely scary moment that creeped the hell outta me, but for the most part i could tell that it was just another lead up to a "boo!" moment. And the boo moments were beautifully done, might i add. But it was all lost on me and k'leigh because throughout the movie we were making fun of it, both of us laughing. And then afterwards we yakked it up at a coffee house and I biked away into the deliciously chill evening air. It was a great time. A seriously great time in the best meaning of the word, nothing more, nothing less. It reminded me of the early nights me and eli had when it was just him and me.

I'm going to stop yakking now, but it's always nice to unwind for a bit.

Take care, love everyone.

~milo

Another day, another fictional dollar.

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 22:10:14 GMT

I woke up to cup of this Tazo chai tea.

You guys should really check this stuff out. I don't know about you, but i get weak in the knees when i think of a good cup of chai tea.
Alot of it has to deal with waking up too damn early for school classes, and because i thought (and still do) that coffee was revolting, the only thing i'd have would be tea. I was an english breakfast and sleepytime drinker for a loooooong while until at some point early in day my dad brought in this free cup of chai he got from starbucks and gave it to me.

What's this? I would go. My mind raced and my toes curled in delight as i tried out this new tea that was absolutely DELICIOUS.

Sooooo, long story short, i'm now hooked on chai tea and i've tried a great many kinds and types. Stash and Tazo are now top of the list, but i would recommend that you stay away from "Good Earth" chai....their stuff smells and tastes like bar-b-que sauce. Not like that's a bad thing if you are cultured tea drinker in the midwest.... but i'm a pasty, white rainy-town kid with a hunkering for english poffery. It's quite a difference.

I'm going to work on my novel. More on that later.

Take care, love everyone.

~milo

What better way to update....than with a stolen-stolen questionairre! Whee!

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 21:50:07 GMT

Yeah, long time no update. I don't know why i started with this...it's more of a whim than anything else, since i hate talking about myself online.

I'm toying with the idea of going back and starting livejournal again....do you think i should? Does anyone know i exist anymore?? haha, prolly not.

1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I lovable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I would kill myself?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your live/dead journal and see what I say about you?
21. Would you ever date me?
22. How bored are you right now?

PARTY TIME!!! PARTY!!!!

Mon, 21 Jun 2004 22:09:08 GMT

Ok guys.... I know i haven't posted in a while....and although this might be concerning to some, i'd just like to say that i don't like using livejournal. i'm bad at using it. just bad. lol.

anyhoo, if you wish to keep in contact with me use the following!

E-mail: mah03@hampshire.edu

AIM: MrMootheMightie (yes! fear the moo!)

sooooooo....

PARTY!! PARTYPARTYPARTY!

When: July 10th

Where: My place.

What's the deal: What's the deal? I'll TELL you what's the deal.... all day, all night gig.
Things won't "officially" start till 9 PM.
Bring blankets! Bring a foam or inflatable mattress! Hell, bring a tent to pitch in the backyard!
There will be karoake, DDR, Playstation 2, N64, Cranium, Scrabble, etc. etc.
There will also be foodz and drinx....but it'd be nice if peeps brought some victuals wit 'em too.
My PARENTS will be there, but dont worry... they're pretty cool they just wanna make sure y'all don't raze the house down to the ground and make like munkeys.
A Jack-n-de-Box is in very short walking distance from my house, same with a Safeway. so if peeps wish to go get some food, well...there you go!

This date is pretty official but if too many can't make it i'll change it. Please either reply to this post, send me an e-mail, or give me a call if this date doesn't work. oh, and if you wish to know the specifics CALL ME.

I'll have an official invite very soon, but i wanna get the general jist if peeps can come on this day. Thanx.

~milo

siiiiiigh (again)

Wed, 05 May 2004 07:20:55 GMT

I'm exhausted. once more. too tired. must go to bed.

i'll explain tommarow

~milo

siiiiiiigh

Mon, 03 May 2004 02:54:31 GMT

My GOD, i am soooo fucking tired. Since i got up i've been on my feet walking everywhere in "movie mode" an extreme form of hyperactivity, hyperawareness, and general run-amokness.

I'm also sick, so i had to keep moving all day lest my body realize that i had stopped enough to merit feeling sick at all. Bleh.

The pre-production is sooooo sooooo close to being done. A few more moves of choreography....a little modification of costumes....and the fabrication of the fighting knives at Lemelson....and i should be all good. I hope.

:-)

I'm very very happy that chris is taking over my spot as the male lead. Not only is he picking up the choreography really really quickly, but this way i can operate the camera. This brings the total number of crew down to one. Me. That, i can deal with.

Leila is doing so very well. She's patient with me and chris and her martial arts advisory really helps when some of my choreography gets into the gray area. She is totally getting credit, because it is due.

The only problem i see with me as a director is that my actors get bugged when i get too close or tweak too much after every go. I'm a perfectionist, which is the problem, and i want to see percisely in front of me what i have in my head. I'm working on how to deal with this... i don't know if i should change or they should adapt.

~milo

Awckwardness

Fri, 30 Apr 2004 00:34:44 GMT

It's always awckward when you have completely moved on and yet there are some people who still try to fuck with you. Often times in hilarious ways.

This guy that is with a girl i used to date acted way out of hand a yesterday. Really going out of his way to meddle with me or whatever he was trying to do.
He left something at my door that pretained to a part of my past with this girl, and a cruel note on top of it. For a few seconds i stood bewildered and then i started laughing, seriously. It was soooo ridiculous. I remember a time in which presented with the same situation i would have severly hurt this person, or come really close to permanently injuring him. No joke.

And so i was not only laughing at how immature the whole thing was, but also how stupid it was (does he know that i'm not going to hurt him? or even bother? that's such a gamble!) it was also funny because it was so out of character for this kid. He's always very careful about revealing any aspect of his antagonistic personality and likes to keep things, and people, controlled. It's just who he his. The less people know who he really is, the better i geuss....

What's it with these peeps that they just can't give up? Don't they know that they will feel so much better? Why does it all have to sink to such a maliscous 3rd grade level? *puts hands up in the air*

I'm doin' fine over here. This can be seen as a form of talking to him about it, if he does read this. Either way this is just as mutch a shout out to anyone who reads this that i'm not the same person i was, so if you still are doing your thing knowing full well what's going on....then i geuss that makes you an asshole. :-)

The other thing i find amusing is how i don't know percisely what to do when someone is outwardly mean to me. In the past i would have cussed out their face and maybe smack them around, but what do i do now? I don't want to be a welcome mat....but i also don't want to be a raving lunatic. hehe.

Peeps can say what they want. S'all good.

~milo

waaaagh

Sun, 25 Apr 2004 01:15:29 GMT

I'm feelin' rather lethargic today.

Oohh! look! it's me! mr. sluggy sluggin' along.

oog.

~milo

wooof

Fri, 23 Apr 2004 19:40:33 GMT

....do you know just *how* hard it is to get a form signed? That's hard.

HOWEVER, do you know how fucking *IMPOSSIBLE* it is to get multiple signatures in a special order?

*muffled scream*

Fuckin' A......i'm gunna call me mum.

~milo

Starting Over....

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 05:41:01 GMT

In light of everything that has been going on: my going on medication, my falling out with a majority of the people at Hampshire, my increasing frusteration with academics, my relationship with Mona, and my relationships with those whom i call(or called) my friends....i am starting over.

Sincerely. Starting over.

There was too much pain, anger, frusteration and idiocy that happened during my stay at Hampshire and although there are people who will hold it against me (as long as they like, which is fine for them, that's their thing) I will be letting it go.

Believe me, however. I have learned a lot. I don't know how much of the problem was my bipolar disorder, how much of it was my severe sensitivity to people's emotions, or how much of it was just who i am, but i have learned from it.

I also would like to reiterate that i'm a lot different from the person i was (up to a week ago). A LOT. However, i have a loooong way to go until i can comfortably say i like who i am. Yeah, i know that there are people that will refute this, or still treat me like the old me, but that's fine...gotta let them i geuss. They will either find out on their own whats up, or just keep being a dick. :-)

The depacote i'm on allows me to be waaaaay more laid back, and alot more self-objective. With time this will be come second-nature.

before i go, one last thing....

----when i came to hampshire i got overloaded with the feelings, emotions, and subtle nuances that everyone was giving off. the biggest problem i had was the fact that people would pretend to be happy and yet underneath i could see that they were not. As of my brief turn of insanity and subsequent medical hiatus i have been able to learn that this is normal on some level and it's what some people just *do*. But until then it drove me mad, literally...mad. i had to shut off what i was feeling from people....shut off reading emotions and reading nuances because otherwise i would have gone bonkers far sooner than possible.
the result?
i became way too insensitive, dense, tactless, immature, yadda yadda yadda....the list goes on.
to those that had to deal with this i am sorry. it happened, it cannot be taken back. but also i wish to say that i am changing and it is a slow process but by god it is happening and for that i am eternally grateful.

it is a slow winding road i will be traveling and one that leads uphill. take care everyone.

~milo